Bank of England Maintains 4% Rate After Committee Discovers Perfect Number for Disappointing Everyone

The Bank of England has announced it will maintain interest rates at 4%, following extensive research by the Monetary Policy Committee (MPC) that confirmed this figure represents the mathematical optimum for disappointing the maximum number of people simultaneously.

In a unanimous 7-2 decision (with two members voting for 3.75% out of what sources describe as “mere politeness”), the Committee praised 4% as a “Goldilocks rate” – not high enough to satisfy savers, not low enough to please borrowers, and exactly wrong enough to confuse economists.

“After rigorous analysis, we determined that 4% is the precise figure that ensures savers feel robbed by inflation while mortgage holders feel crushed by payments,” explained a spokesperson for the Committee. “It’s a delicate balancing act between financial misery and economic bewilderment.”

The decision was reportedly aided by the Committee’s new “Universal Dissatisfaction Index,” which measures public grumpiness across seventeen different demographics. Early trials of 3% rates showed dangerously high satisfaction levels among first-time buyers, while 5% rates caused unacceptable levels of happiness among pensioners.

“We’ve achieved something truly remarkable,” noted one Committee member, adjusting their reading glasses. “Four percent ensures that nobody gets what they want, which is the cornerstone of sound monetary policy.”

The announcement has been met with the expected chorus of discontent from all sectors of the economy. Mortgage brokers described the rate as “catastrophically sensible,” while savings account holders called it “reasonably unreasonable.” Meanwhile, economists praised the decision as “boringly controversial.”

Financial markets responded to the news with their traditional mixture of relief and panic, with the pound rising and falling simultaneously in what traders described as “perfectly typical Tuesday behaviour.”

The Committee confirmed that the next review will take place in November, when they will consider whether 4% remains sufficiently disappointing or if adjustments are needed to maintain optimal levels of public frustration.