30/09/2025 · POLITICS · 2 min read
Britain 2.0 Announced: "New Country" Promised in Conference Keynote
A fairer country where everyone is seen and valued, with wealth creation in every community. Release notes follow; rollout window to be determined.
Editor’s note: The headline promise — building a “new country” — is from the conference trail. The following are unofficial, extremely helpful release notes.
What’s new
- Dignity Engine 1.0: Adds native support for not talking down to people while talking at them for 45 minutes.
- Respect Mode: Enables cross‑town politeness with minimal configuration; toggles to “even on public transport” in beta.
- Universal Presence: “Everyone seen, everyone valued” now bundled. Includes API endpoints for neighbours who always miss bin day.
- Distributed Prosperity: Wealth creation feature shipped to every community. Requires local plugins: skills, time, electricity, hope.
Improvements
- Speeches now compile to plain English with fewer acronyms and 17% more verbs.
- Policy latency reduced from “after the next fiscal event” to “after the next next fiscal event”.
- Pothole Rendering: Roads upgraded to display fewer 3D obstacles in key marginals.
Fixed
- Fixed: An issue where plans did not survive contact with reality.
- Corrected: A bug where growth was announced but could not be found.
- Resolved: A race condition in which announcements and funding refused to appear at the same time.
Known issues
- Timeline undefined. The roadmap may be subject to parliamentary weather, external shocks, and the moon.
- Wealth creation feature may conflict with the Cost of Living Boss. Consult patch 1.1 (Means‑Testing Hotfix).
- “Everyone seen” may exceed storage on older institutions. Consider cloud compassion.
Coming soon
- Town Centre DLC: Adds thriving high streets, non‑theoretical buses and one (1) habitable starter home per borough.
- National Warmth Standard: Buildings that are warm in winter and cool in summer. May require physics.
- NHS Queue Saver: A waiting list for the waiting list with more comfortable chairs.
Compatibility
- Backwards compatible with British weather, industrial action, and the irresistible pull of a good moan.
- Integrates with existing stories on policy euphemisms: see Patriots‑Only Tax Scheme Backfires Spectacularly and Britain Declares the Thames a Public Spa.
Release date
- The update will roll out gradually, then all at once, then gradually again.