DWP Launches Archaeological Dig to Find Pensioners Eligible for New Payment

The Department for Work and Pensions has confirmed it is deploying a specialist team of archaeologists, genealogists, and one very patient man called Keith to determine which pensioners qualify for the newly announced over-80 payment enhancement.

The move comes after the eligibility criteria, published on GOV.UK at 4:47pm on a Friday, were described by experts as “technically in English” but “spiritually in hieroglyphics.”

“We believe the form asks for your National Insurance number, your mother’s maiden name, and the name of the horse your grandfather rode to school.” — Pension rights charity

The Criteria

A leaked summary of the eligibility requirements includes:

• Proof of age: Must predate at least two monarchs and one decimalisation.
• Continuous UK residency: Applicants must demonstrate they have complained about the weather without interruption since 1946.
• Financial assessment: Total savings must not exceed the cost of two Marks & Spencer meal deals, adjusted for inflation and regional disappointment.
• Digital verification: Applicants must log in to a portal that requires a smartphone, a valid email address, and “the kind of patience normally associated with saints.”

The Response

The first applicant to successfully complete the form was a 94-year-old from Wigan who, upon being told she qualified, said: “Lovely. What do I get?” When informed it was £3.40 per week, she asked if she could have the pen instead.

The DWP has assured the public that the process will be streamlined by Q4 2027, which is departmental code for “never, but politely.”

Your correspondent applied out of curiosity and was rejected for being “insufficiently historic.”