Environment Agency Upgrades Flood Warning to 'Just Accept It, Mate'

The Environment Agency has quietly retired its existing flood warning system and replaced it with a five-tier scale designed to more accurately reflect the national mood as large portions of England transition from “land” to “memory of land.”

The new tiers, effective immediately:

• Tier 1 — Damp: Baseline British conditions. Puddles with attitude. No action required beyond owning wellies.
• Tier 2 — Properly Wet: Your garden furniture has opinions about relocating. Consider moving the barbecue indoors, emotionally.
• Tier 3 — That”s Not a Puddle, That”s a Lake: Roads begin identifying as rivers. Sat-navs offer swimming directions. Local ducks become smug.
• Tier 4 — Just Accept It, Mate: The default setting for Somerset. Homes develop features not listed on the estate agent”s website, such as an indoor river.
• Tier 5 — Atlantis: Theoretical. Currently applies to at least twelve postcodes in the south-west, though confirmation is difficult because the postboxes are underwater.

“We felt the old system — ‘be prepared,’ ‘act now’ — lacked the emotional honesty the British public deserves.” — Agency spokesperson, from a dinghy

Somerset Reacts

Residents of the Somerset Levels have welcomed the new system, noting it is the first time a government agency has matched their lived experience with appropriate vocabulary.

“They used to say ‘flooding is possible,’” said one farmer, standing in what was technically his kitchen. “Now they say ‘it”s wet and it”s going to stay wet and here”s a leaflet.’ Honestly, the leaflet was quite good. Laminated, too — which shows they”ve learned.”

What”s Next

The Agency confirmed that if conditions worsen, a sixth tier — “Honestly, Have You Considered Moving to Spain?” — will be activated. Funding for this tier is currently underwater.

Your correspondent can confirm that this article was written in a waterproof notebook. The ink held up. The correspondent”s socks did not.