Former Chancellor Now Works for AI Company, Assures Nation AI Will Not Replace Chancellors

A former Chancellor of the Exchequer, now serving as president of a major AI company, has warned that countries which fail to embrace artificial intelligence “risk being left behind” — a phrase he previously used about countries that failed to embrace spending cuts, welfare reform, and the bedroom tax.

The remarks, made at a technology summit in London, were delivered with what attendees described as “the serene confidence of a man who has already been paid” and “the specific energy of someone who has pivoted from one disruption to another without stopping for a sandwich.”

The Speech

Highlights from the address include:

• On jobs: “AI will not destroy jobs. It will transform them. Much like austerity transformed jobs — into fewer jobs.”
• On the public sector: “Government departments that adopt AI will be leaner, faster, and more efficient. I said the same thing about headcount reductions in 2012 and, well, look how that turned — actually, let”s move on.”
• On education: “We must train the next generation for an AI economy. I recommend starting with the schools we didn”t close.”

“Countries that do not embrace AI could be left behind. And I should know — I left the country behind once before and it went fine. For me, specifically.” — Former Chancellor, at the summit

The Career Arc

Political commentators noted the former Chancellor”s journey from architect of austerity to ambassador for automation as “the most natural career transition since a fox became a henhouse consultant.”

A brief timeline:

• 2010–2016: Reduced public services. Said it was necessary.
• 2017–2023: Edited a newspaper. Said journalism was important.
• 2024–present: Joined an AI firm. Says AI is important.
• 2027 (projected): Will join whatever replaces AI. Will say it is important.

The AI Promise

When asked whether AI might make chancellors redundant, he laughed and said: “No, no. AI can process data, model economies, and make fiscal decisions at superhuman speed. But it cannot look a nurse in the eye and tell her there”s no money. That requires a human touch.”

He also confirmed that his own role at the company was “strategic and advisory,” which he defined as “I attend dinners and say the word ‘innovation’ at appropriate intervals.”

The Response

The current Chancellor declined to comment directly but was seen googling “can AI write a Spring Statement” on a phone that an aide quickly confiscated.

A spokesperson for the Treasury said: “We welcome all contributions to the national debate on AI, particularly from people who have already contributed to several national debates and then left.”

Your correspondent asked the former Chancellor whether AI could do his old job. He said yes, but added that it would lack “the personal warmth.” Several attendees checked whether he was joking. He was not.