Government Appoints Flood Tsar Who Immediately Gets Stuck in Traffic Due to Flooding

The government has appointed a dedicated Flood Tsar to coordinate the national response to what the Met Office is now calling “a water event of unlimited duration.” The Tsar”s first act was to get stuck on the A303 in Somerset because the road had become, in their words, “more river than road, and honestly not even a good river.”

The appointment was announced at 9am. By 9:47am, the Flood Tsar was standing on the roof of a Vauxhall Astra conducting their inaugural strategy call via mobile phone, which had 23% battery and one bar of signal.

“I can confirm I am fully operational. I can also confirm my shoes are not.” — The Flood Tsar, from the Astra

The Action Plan

The Tsar”s 12-page action plan, which was printed, laminated, and placed in a waterproof folder as a precaution, was nevertheless found floating in the passenger footwell of the Astra within an hour of departure.

Key points that remain legible include:

• Phase 1: Assess the situation. (Status: assessed. It is wet.)
• Phase 2: Coordinate with local authorities. (Status: local authorities also stuck on the A303.)
• Phase 3: Deploy emergency pu— (remainder water-damaged.)
• Phase 4: (entirely water-damaged.)

The Rescue

The Flood Tsar was eventually rescued by a farmer in a tractor who described the operation as “nothing special, I pulled out a Deliveroo driver last week.” The Tsar was transported to a nearby community centre where they chaired an emergency meeting wrapped in a foil blanket, still technically wearing one shoe.

A government spokesperson confirmed the appointment remained “on track,” which was a bold choice of phrase given that the nearest train track was also underwater.

What Experts Say

Infrastructure analysts noted that the Flood Tsar role has been created and dissolved seven times since 2014, a frequency that one commentator compared to “the tides, but less reliable.”

Your correspondent attempted to follow the Flood Tsar”s motorcade but was turned back at a roundabout that had become a whirlpool. I watched a wheelie bin sail past with real dignity.