Government to Subsidise "Husband Daycare" in Pubs to Boost National Morale

In a bold new move to tackle the nationwide productivity slump and rising domestic tensions, the government has announced a new “Spousal Support Scheme.” Under the initiative, pubs across the country will be officially designated as “Husband Daycare Facilities,” with the government subsidising the first two pints of the day for any registered attendee.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer hailed the policy as a “fiscally-sound, common-sense investment in public happiness.” Speaking from The Nag’s Head in Westminster, he argued, “A well-rested husband, one who has had adequate time to ponder the complexities of the offside rule, is a more productive worker and a more agreeable domestic partner. It’s a win-win for the economy and for household harmony.”

The scheme, which has been fast-tracked through parliament, will see the establishment of a new regulatory body, the Office for Banter and Ale Standards (OFBAS), which will conduct Ofsted-style inspections of participating pubs. Establishments will be graded on criteria such as “adequacy of comfortable seating,” “appropriate snack provisions,” and “quality of ambient sports commentary.”

“We’re taking this very seriously,” said a spokesperson for OFBAS. “A Grade 1 ‘Outstanding’ facility will be expected to provide a rotating selection of guest ales and demonstrate a robust understanding of when to just nod and agree. Anything less is simply not good enough for the nation’s husbands.”

The announcement has been met with a mixture of celebration and bewilderment. One man from Grimsby called it “the best news since they put Sky Sports in HD.” His wife was more cautious. “It sounds good in theory,” she said, “but who’s going to put the bins out on a Tuesday?”

The government has confirmed it is already drafting follow-up legislation, including plans for a “National Shed-Building Grant” and a “Strategic Mumbling Reserve.”