Heathrow Rebrands as ‘Most Budget-Friendly Airport’; Announcements Now Pay‑Per‑Listen

Heathrow — In a bold push to become “the world’s most budget‑friendly airport,” Heathrow has introduced à la carte essentials, starting with pay‑per‑listen announcements. If you want to hear your gate, delay or final call, you’ll need to pay.

Under the new menu, “Last Call (Standard)” is £2.99, “Name Read Correctly” is £1.50 extra, and “Gate Change (Urgent, Audible)” comes bundled in a £4.49 “Shout Pack.” Silence remains free, as does that distant ding that might mean anything.

Screens display QR codes linking to “Guess My Gate,” while the complimentary tier offers a tasteful animation of a suitcase thinking about moving. For £9.99, “ShoutPlus” sends a staff member to mouth, very clearly, “RUN.”

Safety is “entirely unaffected,” the Civil Aviation Authority confirmed: in emergencies, passengers will be guided by assertive mime and highly persuasive pointing with marshalling wands.

Further savings include coin‑operated moving walkways, priority baggage granted a five‑second head start, and a “Jet Bridge Connection Fee” so the aircraft can reach the building. Heathrow says the savings will be passed on to travellers “in spirit,” noting meal deals will drop by 3p, offset by a £4 “Viewing Your Sandwich” charge.

Executives confirmed duty‑free shops expect a revenue bump, citing a surge in “panic Toblerone” and “last‑minute headphones you already own” purchases.