Labour Cabinet Issues Statement Confirming They Definitely Still Work Here

In what observers are calling the most enthusiastic display of loyalty since the last one that preceded a resignation, every sitting cabinet minister has released a personal statement backing the PM within a single afternoon.

The statements, which sources say were “entirely voluntary and definitely not coordinated on a group chat called ‘Operation Steady Ship’,” ranged from the warmly supportive to the suspiciously specific.

“I have complete confidence in the PM and would like to remind everyone I also have a very full diary and my own website.” — unnamed cabinet minister

The Statements

A selection of highlights from the afternoon’s loyalty cascade:

• The Chancellor: “I back the PM fully and without reservation, which I am saying calmly and not at all from a moving vehicle.”
• The Home Secretary: “There is no leadership crisis. I googled it to be sure.”
• The Health Secretary: “I am focused on the NHS, not leadership speculation, and I will keep saying that on every radio programme that invites me on to discuss leadership speculation.”

What Happens Next

Political analysts note that a full cabinet backing the leader is perfectly normal and also exactly what happened 72 hours before the last three leadership changes in modern political history.

One backbencher, speaking on condition of anonymity and also from behind a pot plant, said: “Everyone”s backing the PM, which means we”re at stage four of the five-stage process. Stage five is when someone says ‘I”m not going anywhere’ from behind a lectern.”

As your correspondent, I can confirm that the lectern has already been polished.