Met Office Extends Rain Forecast to ''Indefinitely, Possibly Forever, We''re Not Sure Anymore''

The Met Office has extended its rain forecast for England and Wales from “at least another month” to “indefinitely, possibly forever, we”re genuinely not sure anymore,” in what internal sources are calling “the first time a government agency has had a breakdown via press release.”

The announcement was made by a senior meteorologist who appeared on camera wearing a cagoule, standing in what was either a studio or a shallow lake. “We have been saying ‘unsettled’ since October,” she said. “It is now February. At what point do we accept that this is just settled?”

The New Warning Tiers

Following criticism that existing weather warnings “lacked emotional range,” the Met Office has introduced a supplementary scale:

• Yellow (Aware): It is raining. You are aware. Everyone is aware. The ducks are aware.
• Amber (Resigned): It is still raining. Your waterproof coat has surrendered. Your shoes have filed for divorce.
• Red (Structural): It is raining in a way that suggests the sky has taken this personally.
• Grey (Existential): NEW. It may never stop. The concept of “dry” is now aspirational. Tell your children stories about sunshine and know that they will not believe you.

“We”ve used every word we have. Drizzle, downpour, deluge, persistent, intermittent, heavy, moderate — we even tried ‘aqueous precipitation event’ and The Telegraph still complained.” — Senior Met Office forecaster

The Graphs

A Met Office slide deck, leaked to Pribber, contains the following data points:

• Days without rain in 2026 so far: 4. All of them were in Scotland, where it snowed instead.
• Reservoirs at capacity: 97%. The remaining 3% is “technically a hill that”s getting nervous.”
• Umbrella sales: Down 40%, because people have stopped going outside altogether.
• National mood: Described on one internal chart as a flat line labelled “damp resignation.”

The Forecast

When pressed for a specific date the rain might stop, the lead forecaster paused for eleven seconds — a duration that was itself longer than the last dry spell in Somerset — and said: “There is some indication of a drier pattern emerging in… no. Sorry. I was reading last year”s notes. Ignore that. It”s going to rain.”

She added: “If I had to give you a date, I would say June. If I had to be honest, I would say I”m guessing. If I had to be really honest, I would say that climate modelling at this resolution is subject to significant uncertainty and also it is raining on me right now, live on television.”

Public Response

The public has responded to the extended forecast with what psychologists are calling “weather acceptance” — a state beyond anger or sadness, characterised by buying a second pair of wellies and referring to the sun as “that thing from the old days.”

One man in Devon was seen standing in his garden in the rain, arms open, face skyward. When asked if he was protesting, he said: “No. I”m watering the plants. I mean the plants are already watered. I just don”t know what else to do out here.”

Your correspondent filed this story from a desk that is technically dry but emotionally waterlogged. The forecast for tomorrow is rain. The forecast for the day after is also rain. The forecast for your soul is overcast with occasional clarity, clearing never.