Nation Demands Winter Olympics Add Event Where Britain Has a Chance

Following another Winter Olympics campaign that can best be described as “very brave,” the nation has formally petitioned the IOC to include sports where being cold, damp, and slightly apologetic is an advantage.

The proposal comes after a freestyle skier missed bronze by 0.41 of a point — a margin so thin it could legally be classified as a moral victory and printed on a mug.

“We’re not asking for much — just one event where tutting at someone who pushed in gives you a technical advantage.”

The Proposed Events

The formal submission to the IOC includes six new disciplines:

• Competitive Queueing (4×100m relay): Teams must maintain orderly single file across an icy car park while one member pops into Greggs.
• Apologetic Skiing: Points deducted for confidence. Gold goes to the skier who says “sorry” to the most flag poles.
• Synchronised Complaining: Pairs event. Judges score on harmony, resignation, and whether both athletes sigh at the same time.
• The 50m Radiator Lean: Timed event. Athlete who stays pressed against a lukewarm radiator longest without removing their coat wins.

Official Response

The IOC has acknowledged the petition and confirmed it will be reviewed at the next appropriate committee meeting, which is scheduled for never. A spokesperson added: “We admire the spirit. We also admire the audacity.”

As your reporter at the Winter Olympics, I can confirm the British delegation is already training for Apologetic Skiing. One athlete apologised to me for being in my eyeline. She was 200 metres away.