School Ditches Blazers and Ties, Students Now Indistinguishable from Supply Teachers

A secondary school in the Midlands has abandoned traditional blazers, shirts, and ties in favour of a “modern, comfortable” polo shirt and fleece combination that staff describe as “progressive” and students describe as “the same thing my dad wears to B&Q.”

The decision was made following a consultation in which 94% of students voted for “literally anything without a top button” and 6% abstained because they were in detention.

The Incident

Problems emerged within 48 hours when a tall Year 9 student called Jake was mistaken for a supply teacher by a class of Year 7s who had never met their actual supply teacher because, statistically, they never come back.

Jake reportedly stood at the front of the room, said “right then,” and — operating on pure instinct — taught 40 minutes of competent long division before being discovered by the head of maths, who was both impressed and deeply concerned.

“He covered more of the curriculum in one lesson than most supply teachers do in a term. We’re looking into whether he’s available Tuesdays.” — Head of Maths

Wider Consequences

The uniform change has created what the headteacher calls a “visual democracy” and what Ofsted calls “a safeguarding question we hadn”t anticipated.” Further incidents include:

• A geography teacher was asked to leave the staff room by a colleague who thought she was someone”s mum.
• A caretaker was congratulated on his “excellent casual Friday look.” It was Wednesday. He has always dressed like that.
• Three Year 11s walked into a staff meeting, sat down, and contributed meaningfully to a discussion about car park allocation before anyone realised.

The Tie Situation

The old ties are being recycled into a memorial bunting for the school hall. Former head boy Marcus Chen-Williams described it as “the right send-off for something that spent five years slowly strangling me.”

Your correspondent wore a polo shirt to the school to blend in. I was asked to cover a PE lesson. I declined, citing a hamstring I don”t have.