04/09/2025 · CULTURE · 1 min read
Study Finds 8 Hours of Sleep Can Be Replaced by 8 Hours of Worrying About Not Sleeping
Groundbreaking research suggests the restorative benefits of sleep can be fully replicated by staring at the ceiling and mentally replaying every mistake you've ever made.
A landmark study from the Institute of Restless Nights has concluded that the cognitive and physical benefits of a full eight hours of sleep can be achieved by spending the same amount of time worrying intensely about the consequences of not sleeping.
“We found that the elevated heart rate, cortisol production, and frantic mental activity of a good worry session almost perfectly mimics the brain’s activity during REM sleep,” explained lead researcher Dr. Anxious Noddoff. “Subjects reported feeling just as exhausted and mentally frayed as if they’d slept soundly.”
The study, titled “The Procrastination-Restoration Cycle,” suggests that the key is to focus your anxiety on specific, unresolvable issues. “Thinking about that awkward thing you said in 2014 is a great start,” Dr. Noddoff added. “For advanced users, we recommend mentally drafting emails you’ll never send.”
The findings could revolutionize the wellness industry, with ‘worry workshops’ and ‘anxiety retreats’ set to replace traditional sleep aids.