Tech Firms Announce 72-Hour Work Week, Promise Employees Will Love It by Hour 58

Several major technology firms have announced a shift to a 72-hour working week, promising that employees will experience a “deep sense of purpose” and “unparalleled personal growth” — both of which, sources confirm, are what happens when you can no longer distinguish Tuesday from Saturday.

The announcement was made via a 14-page memo titled “Intensity Is a Feature, Not a Bug,” which employees were expected to read during their lunch break, a concept the memo also proposed eliminating.

The Benefits Package

Companies adopting the new schedule have promised enhanced perks to compensate:

• Free kombucha: Now available at breakfast, lunch, dinner, and “desk sleep,” the new fourth meal eaten horizontally.
• Nap pods: Installed on every floor, booked solid through 2029, currently being used as storage for monitor stands.
• Wellness Wednesdays: A 15-minute guided meditation at 6am, attendance mandatory, mindfulness measured in OKRs.
• A window: One per department. Employees may look at the sky for up to 90 seconds per shift, pending manager approval.

“We ran the numbers and it turns out people produce more when they never stop producing. We were as surprised as anyone.” — CEO, from a yacht

Employee Reactions

One engineer, speaking via Slack at 2:17am because she was still at her desk, described the policy as “bold.” When asked if she meant that positively, she said: “I mean the font on the memo was bold. I haven”t had a thought since Thursday.”

A junior product manager attempted to unionise but was told his complaint had been “auto-routed to the wellness portal” and would be reviewed by an AI that was itself working 72 hours a week.

What Happens at Hour 58

According to internal data, Hour 58 is when employees transition from “exhausted” to “transcendent,” a state the companies describe as peak performance and medical professionals describe as “concerning.”

Your correspondent worked a 72-hour week once. It was called my twenties. I do not recommend it.