Government Rebrands Thames as National Public Spa to Save Thames Water

Britain has solved the river problem by redefining it as self‑care. The Thames was today designated a National Public Spa, a move ministers say will “unlock wellness synergies” while “resolving certain spreadsheet imbalances.”

Under the plan, a mandatory Spa Pass levy will appear on water bills to fund “enhanced ambience,” “natural aromatics,” and “rapid liquidity events during weather.” Officials insisted this is not a bailout; it is “holistic hydrology.”

Membership tiers were announced:

• Basic: Bring Your Own Antibiotics.
• Plus: Complimentary towel and tetanus booster.
• Platinum: Priority access during “Heritage Brew” days following storms.
• Executive: A laminated card that says “I Believe in Wellness.”

Signage along the river will be updated to reflect the spa’s new features. “Sewage outfall” becomes “Hydrotherapy Outlet.” “Do not swim” becomes “Deep Exfoliation Zone.” A new tagline reads: “The Thames Spa — Where Nature Meets Accounts Payable.”

Asked about water quality, a spokesperson said readings are “within the expected range for vigorous wellness.” When pressed to define the range, they replied: “Vigorous.”

Environmental groups cautiously welcomed the clarity of labelling, noting that “at least the brochure now matches the smell,” while requesting that “E. coli” not be marketed as an exfoliant.

Economists praised the plan’s efficiency: by reclassifying problems as amenities, “everything is instantly fine.” A policy note explains that if the public will not tolerate sewage, they may tolerate spa, and if they will not tolerate spa, they will at least tolerate a discount code.

In a final flourish, the government unveiled a map of future wellness corridors connecting tributaries into a nation‑wide “Hydraulic Mindfulness Network.” The legend consists entirely of euphemisms.

The Spa Pass goes live next month, pending a consultation that concluded yesterday.