UK Sends AI to Eurovision, Finally Admitting It Stopped Trying Years Ago

The BBC has announced that the United Kingdom”s entry for the 2026 Eurovision Song Contest will be an artificial intelligence programme called BardBot 5000, marking the first time a nation has entered a non-human contestant and the forty-seventh time Britain has entered something no one asked for.

The decision, which was reportedly made “at speed and on a budget,” follows decades of disappointing results that have left the country ranked somewhere between “culturally irrelevant” and “actively pitied” on the Eurovision leaderboard.

The Selection Process

According to internal documents obtained by Pribber, the selection process was as follows:

1. September 2025: The BBC convenes a panel to find a Eurovision act. The panel consists of one executive, one intern, and a Spotify algorithm.
2. October 2025: The panel shortlists four human candidates. All four decline immediately.
3. November 2025: A second round produces six more candidates. Three have scheduling conflicts. Two demand creative control. One turns out to be Irish.
4. December 2025: The intern suggests “just letting the computer do it.” The executive writes this down as a joke. The Spotify algorithm writes it down as a business plan.
5. January 2026: BardBot 5000 is selected unanimously, primarily because it cannot say no.

“We”ve spent forty years sending humans who come last. An AI coming last is at least cheaper and it won”t cry on the flight home.” — BBC spokesperson

The Song

BardBot 5000”s entry is titled “Feel the Algorithm (Of My Heart)” and is described by its creators as “a mid-tempo pop ballad that is scientifically optimised to be inoffensive.” The song was composed by feeding the AI every Eurovision winner since 1974 and asking it to produce “something that wouldn”t get nul points but also wouldn”t trouble the top ten.”

The result is three minutes and twelve seconds of what critics are calling “sonic magnolia.”

Key features of the track include:

• A key change at 2:14 that the AI insists is “emotionally necessary” despite having no emotions.
• A spoken-word bridge in which BardBot 5000 says “I believe in us” in fourteen languages, none of them convincingly.
• A drop that was removed after testing showed it made four out of five focus group participants “feel something,” which was deemed too risky.

The Performance

The BBC has confirmed that BardBot 5000 will perform on stage in Basel, Switzerland, represented by a six-foot LED screen displaying “a face, but not too much of a face.” Backup dancers have been hired, though their choreography will be generated in real time by a separate AI that has been trained exclusively on Strictly Come Dancing eliminations.

Costume design has been outsourced to a third algorithm, which has so far proposed a silver jumpsuit, a Union Jack cape, and “just the screen, no clothes, it”s a computer.” The BBC has gone with option three.

International Reaction

European broadcasters have responded with a mixture of confusion and admiration. France described the entry as “très britannique — giving up, but politely.” Germany said it was “bold.” Sweden said nothing, because Sweden does not need to acknowledge Britain”s existence at Eurovision.

The European Broadcasting Union has confirmed that an AI entry is technically legal under current rules, which state only that the performer must be “present on stage,” a requirement BardBot 5000 meets by existing as electricity.

“There is nothing in the rulebook that says a contestant must have a pulse. We checked. Twice.” — EBU official

Public Response

A YouGov poll conducted after the announcement found that 62% of the British public support the AI entry, with the most common reason being “can”t be worse.” A further 24% said they “didn”t know we still did Eurovision,” and 14% asked if BardBot 5000 could also do their taxes.

The AI itself, when asked for comment, generated the following statement: “I am honoured to represent the United Kingdom. My processors are ready. My song is optimised. I have analysed every previous UK entry and I am statistically confident that I will finish nineteenth.”

It added: “This is not pessimism. This is data.”

Your correspondent will be covering Eurovision from Basel in May, assuming the BBC”s travel budget extends to human journalists. Current indications suggest it does not.